Miscarriage, or pregnancy loss, is unfortunately quite common. In fact, 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. The number may be higher as some women experience a “chemical” pregnancy–a very early loss, perhaps before taking a test. Any loss before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage. Trying to conceive (TTC) after pregnancy loss is incredibly anxiety provoking. For good reason, although everyone has their own response to miscarriage, many people find it terribly distressing. It takes a lot of courage to TTC after pregnancy loss. Below we give some tips to navigate this difficult time.
Allow Yourself to Grieve Your Loss
Too often, women minimize the pain surrounding their miscarriage. They say things like: ”I was only 6 weeks along”, “People have it worse” etc. Frankly, none of this matters. It is your loss and that matters. There is also no timeline on grief. Of course, if the grief is consuming you to the point where you are unable to function after a couple of weeks, consider professional help. However, needing to take a week or so off of work is totally understandable.
Your grief will show up in different ways. This is all normal. You may experience sadness, anger, fear, or resentment. Again, this is all expected. Grief is not linear. You might have good days and then bad days. Perhaps, it will pop up at the most unexpected times. Typically, grief will become lighter over the course of a full year. You may never truly stop grieving your loss. However, it typically becomes less disruptive to your life as time moves on. This does not mean you have forgotten your baby, just that you are no longer controlled by the pain of losing him. By experiencing your grief, you start to release some of those painful feelings.
Your Feelings are Normal
You probably have an array of feelings: anger, fear, sadness, anxiety. They are all normal and valid. So is anything else you are feeling. Don’t try to suppress them. At the same time, You are not your feelings. Of course they may be overwhelming at times. However, they are not permanent. Think about it, you have felt differently at different times. In other words, as bad as you may feel right now, it won’t last. You are also not your thoughts. They are also temporary.
An Exercise:
This simple exercise is from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Most of us have a thought or feeling and are totally identified with it. “I am scared!” However, if we closely examine this, we are not our feeling. How could we be if we have all sorts of feelings at different times. So, next time you are lost in a feeling, try this:
- Notice what you are feeling
- Then say “I’m having the feeling of _____”
- Then say “I’m noticing I’m having the feeling of _____”
- Notice again how you feel. Any difference?
Challenge Your Thoughts
TTC after pregnancy loss is riddled with fear. It’s normal to always go to the worst case scenario. Many people have scary thoughts like they will never get pregnant again or they will have another miscarriage. Of course, no one can guarantee how anything will turn out, However, we can examine our thoughts and challenge them.
An Exercise:
1. Divide a sheet of paper into two columns.
2. Label one column “My Thought” and the other “Alternative Thoughts”
3. List your thought under the “My Thought” column.
4. In the Alternative Thoughts columns, list all other possible thoughts whether they feel true to you or not. List as many as you can think of.
For example:
| My Thought | Alternative Thoughts |
| “I’ll never get pregnant again”. | My doctor said I can start TTC. |
| My doctor did not find any reason why I couldn’t get pregnant”. | |
| My tests are all normal. | |
| Many people get pregnant after having a miscarriage. |
TTC after pregnancy loss is scary and anxiety provoking. However, by grieving your loss, separating yourself from your thoughts and feelings, and challenging your thoughts, you can cope with these feelings.
If you feel you need professional help, we are here, Our therapists specialize in all things maternal mental health including pregnancy loss. You don’t have to do this alone.
Reading this for a friend? Perhaps, TTC after loss is not your issue. We help women with a host of issues including anxiety, depression, and bipolar. Schedule now.
Sharon Fisher PMHNP-BC, PMH-C is the founder of Nurtured Well, a boutique women’s mental health practice and the author of Beyond The Egg Timer: A Companion Guide To Having Babies in Your Mid Thirties and Older.