A guest post by Beth Rush, the mindfulness editor at Body+Mind.
Knowing how to explain separation to a 5-year-old can be challenging. Divorce is tough on both parties, but perhaps more so on young kids. The transition from living with two parents simultaneously to residing with one intermittently can often be a harrowing and confusing experience for them.
If you ever need to explain to your child why mom and dad won’t be together anymore — consider these tips for expressing yourself lovingly and coherently.
1. Keep It Simple
No matter the subject, always speak to 5-year-olds using straightforward language. Children at this age think literally and may struggle with abstract concepts or complex explanations. You want to use simple, clear wording that they can understand without overwhelming them with too much information.
For example, instead of saying, “Your father and I have decided to separate due to irreconcilable differences.” You might say, “Mommy and Daddy have decided that we will not live together anymore because we are happier apart.” This simple explanation avoids confusing terms and focuses on the core message.
You can also use relatable analogies, like comparing the situation to how sometimes friends grow apart but still care for each other.
2. Speak From a Place of Healing
The weeks or months leading to a separation can be emotionally and mentally draining. Choosing your words carefully is crucial when explaining a complex topic like divorce with your kid. Your language can shape their understanding of the situation and influence their emotional responses.
One particular thing you want to avoid is speaking ill of their other parent or portraying them in an overly negative light. Doing so will likely make the child feel as though they have to pick sides, often leading to resentment or even hostility. Consider getting professional help to dissolve emotional blocks and promote healing before broaching the discussion.
3. Answer Questions Truthfully
You just told your 5-year-old that mom and dad are separating — there’s bound to be a barrage of queries coming. First, let your child know it’s okay to ask questions. This openness can help them process their feelings and come to terms with the incoming change in their living situation.
No one knows precisely what they’ll ask, but you should be as truthful and transparent in your responses as possible. Be prepared for tough, direct questions like “Why can’t you live together?” or “Will I still see both of you?” Answer these honestly but gently, keeping in mind their emotional state.
It’s equally important to listen to what they say and how they say it. You’ll better understand how they react to the news and how to best address their concerns.
4. Reassure Them of Your Love
One of the biggest fears young children have during a divorce is that they will lose love or support from their parents. Your child might get apprehensive that if dad and mom have stopped loving each other, they’ll stop loving them, too. Reassuring them consistently about your love is crucial.
This reassurance helps alleviate feelings of abandonment or insecurity. Children need to know that their relationship with both parents remains strong despite the changes around them.
5. Explain How It Impacts Other Household Members
According to a report, around 20% of Americans live in multi-generational households comprising grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Each of these family members may already have strong bonds with your child, which a divorce will directly impact. For instance, they’d likely see less of each other once the new living arrangements are implemented.
If you live with extended family, have an explanation ready about how the divorce situation will affect their relationship with your child. Emphasize that the bonds are strong and can continue despite changes at home. Encourage them to express concerns and reassure them that they can still enjoy special moments together. This helps them understand that the love and connection will persist through the separation and afterward.
6. Make Sure Your Kid Understands It’s Not Their Fault
Kids will react differently to the news of their parents’ separation, but it is all too easy for them to feel guilty. For example, this line of thinking can make them feel like they could have stopped the divorce if only they had been better behaved or did better in school.
You must underline that they’re not responsible for the discord. Make sure they understand that despite your marriage ending, you and your ex-spouse will still be their parents and will always be there for them.
Remember to Be Kind to Yourself
While it’s essential to focus on your children’s emotional well-being during a divorce, it’s equally important to prioritize your own mental and emotional health. The stress of the situation can be overwhelming as you navigate complex feelings of grief, anger and anxiety. Being kind to yourself during such a trying period is paramount.
Seek support from friends and family or professionals, such as therapists or support groups. Digital technologies have made it easier to schedule HIPAA-compliant virtual visits, so you don’t have to be physically present to receive counseling and therapy.
Additionally, engage in self-care activities—whether exercise, hobbies or simply taking a break—to alleviate stress and promote emotional resilience. Prioritizing your well-being will equip you to handle the challenges of divorce more effectively, ensuring you remain a solid and supportive figure in your children’s lives. It’s also a great way to teach your kids the importance of self-care during difficult times.
Navigate the Divorce Discussion With Your Kid
Knowing how to explain divorce to your 5-year-old is just the first step in what will likely be a multi-stage conservation throughout the separation process. Use these tips to help your child understand this significant life change while minimizing confusion and anxiety. Check in with them periodically to see how they’re handling the changes and offer support to make the transition less stressful.
Need more Information about divorce basics? Check out Nurtured Well’s complimentary Divorce 101 Seminar.
About the author: Beth Rush is the mindfulness editor at Body+Mind. She writes about mental health during pregnancy and beyond. She also shares tips for coping with c-PTSD, PCOS, and climate anxiety. Subscribe to the Body+Mind Newsletter for more posts by Beth.