Having babies later in life has become the norm. In fact, even as the overall US birth rate decreased in the last two decades, women over 40 enjoyed a 134% increase in births! Midlife moms are on the rise. We explore this phenomenon and give lots of support for the 35 plus crowd trying to get pregnant in our book. However, something not talked about alot is actually raising kids in midlife.
Having a baby at 40 means you will be right in perimenopause at the height of their elementary school career. Perimenopause is the up to 10 year journey to menopause and can start as young as 38. Midlife moms have unique needs such as changes in mood, memory, and sleep. Read below for tips on navigating this challenging but rewarding time.
1. Protect Sleep at All Costs
Insomnia, or trouble sleeping, is a common symptom at midlife. The perimenopause hormone changes can cause insomnia. Sometimes, hot flashes in the night disturb sleep. Insomnia can cause increased irritability, anxiety, and worsen depression. Lack of sleep can certainly make it harder for midlife moms to function at their prime.
You can improve sleep by maintaining a set bedtime, limiting alcohol, using melatonin, and integrating gentle yoga into your schedule. Although scrolling is a normal outlet for overscheduled moms, it disrupts sleep. Pick up a book instead.
2. Use a Planner
I don’t care how sharp your mind is, midlife hormone changes affect memory. In fact, 70% of women report difficulty keeping track of things in midlife. This is great when your kids are interested in everything, I write sarcastically. You will feel so much calmer if everything is on paper or in your phone. This also prevents overscheduling. I’ll get to that next.
3. Slim Down Your Schedule
I know that sounds like an impossible task! As a midlife mom, you probably want to do it all. In fact, you may have always been that person who could do it all. However, the hormonal chaos that occurs at midlife makes that really hard. Instead of fighting it, flow with it. Allow 24 hours before saying yes to any obligation. In that period, really think through how it aligns with your values and goals in life. For example, perhaps being part of your child’s school life is important to you. Understandably, you reflexively sign up for all the PTA events. However, you are also chaperoning your kids to swimming every morning and karate three times a week. We haven’t even talked about your work commitments or caring for your home. Therefore, limiting PTA activities to two a year still keeps you involved with your kid’s school without wearing you out. We’ll talk about all that chauffeuring later…
4. Schedule in Yourself
You take care of everyone. In order to keep up that pace, you need to put yourself on the schedule, too. If you have no idea what you want to do for yourself, check out this blog post. Some women dedicate an hour a weekend to reading a book. Others go to pilates twice a week or take a cooking class. It really does not matter what you do or for how long. What is important is prioritizing some of your wants as well as your family’s.
5. Engage Your Partner
The average Gen X and older Millennial couple -essentially who the midlife moms are–struggle with sharing the mental load. Now is the time to engage your partner. I’m a huge fan of the Fair Play book and method. The TLDR version is that you need to hand over entire tasks, not delegate pieces of them. For example, instead of having your husband take the kids to the dentist but you still scheduled it, filled out the online portal forms, and confirmed the appointment, have him do the entire task. Eve Rodsky talks you how to integrate this into your marriage without destroying your marriage. As a therapist, I think she did a great job.
Many women are having babies later in life. There are many advantages to this. However, parenting active kids while you are coping with the midlife changes of perimenopause can feel daunting. However, improving sleep, paring down your schedule and using a planner, prioritizing yourself and engaging your partner to do more can really help.
Need more help navigating midlife? Check out our on-line course covering the mood, memory, and sleep changes associated with perimenopause. Would you like more individualized care? Reach out to us to schedule.