There is a saying that you are only as happy as your saddest child. As a parent, I think this is true. As a Psychiatric NP, I see it play out in my clients all the time. Therefore, when your child is actually struggling with a mental health disorder, what do you do? All parents want to help their children. We are going to explore ways to help your kids with depression below.
Start Here
The first step to helping your child with depression is to acknowledge it. It’s important to note that sometimes depression can show up as anger or lack of motivation or interest. Your child may not be sitting around crying. However, they may be lapsing on school work, not going out with friends, or spending way too much time scrolling on social media. Perhaps they are surly or naysay anything you suggest that might help them.
If you suspect your child is depressed, talk to them about it. Start by saying you love and support them and you are noticing some changes. Then, just listen. Don’t minimize their feelings. For example, if they say no one likes them. Don’t counter that, instead, say “I’m sorry it feels that way”. Your initial role is to actively listen and validate their feelings. Active listening means listening whole heartedly, not trying to form a response when they are talking.
Seek Professional Help
Therapists can be hard to find. You can ask your pediatrician or school counselor. They can usually refer you to local counselors. You can also find one on Psychology Today. Friends or mom’s groups are another place for referrals.
Teens may be resistant to seeing a therapist. You can present therapy as a safe space to talk with an adult who is dedicated to supporting them. Assure them that it will be confidential. If your child does not want to go, offer them something they like if they are willing to try just 4 sessions.
Younger children will usually eagerly go. However, for little kids, therapy is typically play based so present it as a fun opportunity.
Maintain Expectations
Too often, I see people give up on people with depression. They will say things like ‘Well, you know she is depressed, she can’t do X, Y, or Z”. Your depressed child may not be up for a big family party, and it’s fine to let them sit that out. However, they should still be expected to do their chores, homework, etc. This is because mood is based on so many factors.
One factor is a sense of self efficacy. Self efficacy refers to one’s belief in themselves to have the ability to produce certain outcomes. Low self worth, hopelessness and helplessness are symptoms of depression. You can’t “will” yourself out of depression. However, if you can feel some sense of accomplishment ( no matter how small), it counteracts that hopelessness and low self esteem. One of the worst things a parent can do is make the assumption their child can’t do things. If you don’t believe in them, then it will be very hard for them to see any chance of improvement.
Be Realistic
Depression, like all mental health issues, is complex. Unfortunately, it’s not simple like strep throat. There isn’t one cause, one clear test, and one simple treatment. It may take a lot of time and interventions before depression abates. Celebrate and point out to your child small wins.
Depression can be a one time event or recurrent. Therefore, don’t stop all the positive things your child is doing once they feel better. That doesn’t mean they need to go to therapy forever but they should be intentional about other things that are helping them.
Having a child with depression can be devastating. However, validating their feelings, finding them professional help and motivating them to go, as well as maintaining hope in their abilities can help. You may need support during this journey. If so, we are here to help.
About the author: Sharon P. Fisher is a board certified Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who helps moms and non-moms at her practice Nurtured Well LLC in Towson, MD.