If you are 15, 20, even 30 years into your marriage and feeling in a rut, you are not alone. Midlife marriage struggles are really common. The stress of careers and family obligations can strain even the most solid bond. Additionally, we change as we age. Sometimes, our partner can grow with us, but other times we just grow apart. Lastly, the physical and emotional changes of perimenopause can be challenging for a marriage.
Sandwich Generation
People in their 40’s and 50’s are often in the “Sandwich Generation”. This means they are caring for aging parents while still raising children. Women are typically doing the lion’s share of the caregiving. This can leave very little time and energy left for your partner. The resulting lack of quality time easily leads to midlife marriage struggles. The uneven workload results in resentment for the caregiver and feelings of abandonment by the other partner. Even if emotions are not soaring, there is very little time left to give to the marriage.
Career Stress and Midlife Marriage Struggles
Most people hit the height of their career in their 40’s. This can be really exciting. However, it can also steer your energy and attention away from your marriage. Furthermore, if one partner is soaring in their workplace and the other is not, resentment can ensue. Alternatively, women who stayed home to care for children may be reentering the workforce. This can shift the dynamics a lot causing marriage struggles.
Growing Apart
The average age of marriage in the United States has hovered in the mid twenties for several decades now. This means that if you are in your late 40s or 50s, you have probably been married for about 20 years. Ideally, you and your spouse grew together. Sadly, that does not always happen. Marriage counseling can help bridge the difference. However, it does not work for all couples.
Perimenopause Changes and Your Marriage
Perimenopause is the up to 10 year journey to menopause. It can start as early as late 30s. However, more commonly starts in your 40s. Depression and anxiety are common during this period and can affect your marriage. Some women don’t know that they are depressed but simply may lose interest in things. Low libido is also very common and, obviously, can affect your marriage. Lastly, many women simply feel less capable during these years. If you were the one who did everything for your family, this may be a huge shock.
What You Can Do For Midlife Marriage Struggles
Marriage counseling, as mentioned above, can do wonders. There are many different techniques. It is important to find a qualified, well trained marriage counselor. Otherwise, it could actually do more harm than good. Popular methods include Gottman, Emotionally Focused Therapy, However, the most important thing is feeling safe with your therapist.
Prior to starting marriage therapy, have an honest conversation with your partner. It’s important to speak from a place of compassion and kindness. The objective is to share how you are feeling, not berate your spouse. Start by framing the conversations as a desire to reconnect and enjoy each other more. Next , listen wholeheartedly to what your partner is experiencing. Once you both understand each other’s perspective, you can move forward. Think of this as a project you can tackle together.
Midlife marriage struggles are common. The pressures of family and work combined with the emotional and physical changes of perimenopause can strain the tightest of bonds. You are certainly not alone if you are experiencing them.
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About the author: Sharon P. Fisher, MS, PMHNP-BC, PMH-C is a board certified nurse practitioner and founder of Nurtured Well LLC, a boutique women’s mental health practice in Towson, Maryland